Finding time to connect with your spouse is hard. How do I know?
Let’s go over some Ferguson family facts.
- Married: 4 years
- Houses: 6
- Cities: 6
- Job Changes: 6
- Number of months I have NOT been nursing or pregnant: ONE
- Ages of children: 3 and 1
Our lives have been one transition after another since the day we were married.
Over and over we have said, “When this stage is over, we will make more time for us.” (Except there’s always another, sometimes harder, stage on the way.)
Or “After we move, it will get better.” (And then we moved, again!)
Or “When I’m not nursing we will take that trip together.” (Okay, maybe this one’s true!)
So far, there has never been a better time for us to make time for each other. And there never will be.
There will always be something that has the potential to steal our attention away from each other.
If we aren’t cognizant of that, we could very easily find ourselves 10 years down the road not knowing anything about the person we are sharing a bed with. (Oh, who am I kidding? I can’t remember the last time we shared a bed.)
While we are far from perfect and have a lot of learning to do, we have found a few ways to make each other a priority even in the craziness of life.
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How to Connect with Your Spouse (when life is crazy)
Before we get into the practical tips, I want to remind you to not underestimate the power of prayer in your marriage. Pray for your hearts and attitudes toward each other. Pray for your relationship with God and each other to deepen.
Sync your calendars
You are never going to be able to find time to connect if you don’t know each others schedules. Life gets busy, and sometimes my husband forgets to tell me that he has a late meeting and won’t be home until 8 pm.
This could be a source of contention between us, but we’ve solved it by simply having access to each others planners.
Lower your expectations of what ‘connect’ means
This is something I have had to work hard on. I’m the fairy-tales-are-true and lets-talk-about-our-feelings wife. When I think about connecting with my husband, it looks like candlelit ambiance and heartfelt I-love-you’s.
Our reality looks a lot like, talking about our day while I nurse our daughter and my son climbs all over him. Or sometimes it looks like folding laundry together or going for a walk as a family.
Be creative with your time
“Be creative with your time” is just another way of saying multi-task. Our best conversations always happen in the car or taking the kids on a walk. Rarely, do they ever happen when we are alone. (Mostly because we are rarely alone!)
Doing housework together is a great time to talk. Or if your spouse has a long commute consider getting them a Bluetooth headset, put them on speaker phone, and talk to him while you are getting dinner ready.
Do what makes sense for you, right now
Let go of that pressure that you need to immediately do all of what the experts say.
Are date nights great? Yes!
Do you need to make to time to connect intimately? Yes!
But, right now, what makes the most sense for you and your spouse? For us, it’s hanging out in the living room watching The West Wing. (We just started our FOURTH time watching the series all the way through.) It’s something we love, we have the energy for, and oddly enough, it brings us closer together.
Find what makes sense for you and do it!
Just plan the get-a-away
I’m writing this post in a dark hotel room while my husband and baby girl are asleep in the big comfy king-sized bed.
This, my friends, is our anniversary trip. You know, the one we planned for just the two of us to relax, talk without interruptions, reconnect, and sleep through the night.
Except my little love over there snuggled in with her daddy decided that breast is not only best but the only way to go. So after quite the hunger strike we drove back to my mom’s, picked her up, and drove her back to the hotel.
When we finally crawled into bed I whispered to my husband, “This trip was still worth it.” He agreed.
Connecting with our spouses is not about perfection and finding the ideal time to talk; it’s about making the effort.
It’s about acknowledging that finding time to be together is a worthwhile pursuit.
So just do it.
Go love well!
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