It sounded romantic. Moving away, starting over just the two of us. We daydreamed and planned. We researched the west coast and the east. Oh, to fly away and make something of ourselves far away from cornfields and broken families.
It seems almost comical now. 4 years. 5 moves, and we never left the tractors and the fields. We had an adventure, all right. But not the one we imagined.
Now all I want to do is dig deep roots. Roots like an oak tree—not a stalk of corn that we can’t seem to leave behind.
I want roots. I’m done moving.
I want a church home.
And Bible studies around the dining room table.
I want play dates and thriving friendships.
I don’t want to have to miss any more family events—broken families and all. I will take it.
I want to paint the walls, leave our mark, and live the easy life.
And I don’t want to pack. Or move. Or unpack.
I want roots.
If I sound whiny about this, my husband will tell you it’s because I am. And he’s right. I’ve been ungrateful and grumpy and discontent.
My heart has been discontent. My soul has been disconnected. And, goodness, have I been ungrateful. And here’s how I know. . .
3 Signs of a Discontented Heart
Looking to others for validation
The first sign your heart is discontent is it starts looking to other people for its worth. Do you think I’m pretty? What do you think about how I live, parent my child, the house I live in?
It also starts playing the comparison game. Well, they are worse off than us. Or she does everything better than me. The purpose of this little exercise is to either make ourselves feel better about our issues or validate that our life really is as bad as it seems. Either way, it’s putting our worth in the wrong hands.
Relying on self to get through the day
This symptom is all about powering through. No one can do it better than me or even as good as I can, so I have to do it all. Oh, and, God, I got this. I don’t need you to give me the physical and mental strength to pack, patience with my children, and loving kindness towards my husband.
This lasts about an hour. An hour until I’m a mess. I suck at life. And it’s everyone’s fault I am in this mess. No one ever helps me!
Forgetting God is (the most important) part of the equation
The first two signs of a discontented heart are really the symptoms of leaving God out. When I leave God out of the equation, I start to look for love and acceptance in all the wrongs places—others and myself. I forget all of the blessings He has poured down on my family.
I forget it all. And there’s no fruit of the Spirit.
So lately, I have been turning to God to be the One to get me through the day. And I have been feeling little nudges like this:
Stop trying to dig your roots in the world, Kelsey.
This period of insecurity and loneliness has been refinement. You’re closer to Me than you ever have been.
So I take a deep breath and remind myself that my firm foundation doesn’t come in the form of four walls and pretty hardwood floors. Security isn’t in a ‘forever home.’ It’s in an Eternal one.
Have you ever felt this struggle of wanting something so badly you forget all of the blessings God has given you? How did you move past it?
And, friends, I have a little prayer request. My family is supposed to close on our new house in two weeks. There are still lots of things up in the air, right now. I’m trying really hard to trust God, but I’m struggling. If you get a moment, could you pray for His favor for us? Thank you, sweet friends!
Go love well!
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